2017 is finally here! Hopefully it will be better than 2016, and not as many celebrities will die. If you’re curious about your future, check out your 2017 horoscope here. Regular monthly horoscopes will resume the second Wednesday of February.
Aquarius, the Water Bearer: January 20th- February 18th
This year is going to be tremendous, okay? A terrific year, Aquarius, everyone says so. You will encounter many alternative truths, but they’re going to be great. Probably the best truths. And you’ll never read any more fake news again. This year you’ll also learn how to turn buttons into gold coins, and tonight at midnight, a magical ray of golden light will fall over you, and you will begin to levitate within its magnificent glow. Then, suddenly, light will burst out of you from every orifice, igniting your very soul, and causing your mortal flesh to fall away in a shower of glitter. Then, as you expose your true form to the world of men, a thousand angels will come upon you, wrapping you in a diamond encrusted garment, concealing you once again. They will then help you to return to your regular, mortal body and fly away. As all of this is occurring, “Midnight City” by M83 plays softly in the background.
Pisces, the Fish: February 19th- March 20th
This year will be good for you spiritually. Around March or April, expect some good news disguised as bad news. You may feel devastated at first, but you will discover you have more inner strength than you know. You’ll also become great at zoning out as the result of several severely awkward conversations in your future. I won’t sugar coat it, Pisces — they will be some of the most painful human interactions you will ever have in your entire life. I’m foreseeing about 12, that is, about once a month. When it happens, you can save your sanity by entering a sort of trance, and mumbling, “Yes, yes, of course, Martin,” every time there is a break in conversation, regardless of what the topic or context of that conversation is.
Aries, the Ram: March 21st- April 19th
This year is going to be a year of great discovery for you. You think 2016 was the year of realizing things? Just wait for 2017. Luckily, the things you realize this year will make you richer as a person. Except, one revelation will shock you: At some point this year, you will realize that someone you have been very close to all your life is actually a robot. It will probably happen during the summer time, when you are swimming together and they refuse to get into the water. They will also get mad at you for splashing them. They will need to “recharge their batteries,” and they will be incapable of love. But don’t worry — you can teach them to love by reading poetry to them and whispering love spells into their ears while you stand behind them.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20th- May 20th
Looks like this is a lucky year for love, Taurus. This summer, I foresee you will fall in love with a sea-plane pilot. They will be devilishly charming and have the most infectious laughter. You’ll have a terrific romance, drink pink champagne by the beach, watch sunsets together and go for many rides in the sea plane. But come autumn, your sea-plane pilot will leave you for an astronaut. Don’t worry, though. You’ll soon find a new love affair with a charming ranch hand or corporate executive. If you don’t fall in love with a sea-plane pilot then that means you are cursed, and you need to be extra nice to your local campus psychic.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21st- June 20th
Looks like you’re in for a pretty standard 2017, Gemini. You’ve just ended a significant chapter of your life, but the one ahead looks promising. Take time to focus on yourself, work on relationships with loved ones and concentrate on your goals for the future. Also, stay away from the ocean if you can. I have foreseen that if you enter the ocean at any time this year, you will become trapped inside an oyster. You will almost kill the oyster, but the oyster will survive. When you escape the oyster, the oyster will consider you its pearl and spend the rest of its life trying to return to you. You can never go into the ocean again.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21st- July 22nd
I’m afraid I have seen something terrible in your future, Cancer. Unbeknownst to you, your great-grandfather stole magic oranges from an old Florida witch when he was but a young man. It’s taken her many a year, but come the harvest moon, she will find your family, and she will kidnap your parents and turn them into eggs. When this happens (and it will happen) you can break the spell by smearing grape jelly all over your feet and then putting on a pair of fresh white socks. It’s the only way to save your family. Or if you want to just avoid the whole episode all together, leave an orange outside your front door on the night of the harvest moon. And remember to save the bees, which are dying at an alarming rate, because without bees we don’t have oranges.
Leo, the Lion: July 23rd- August 22nd
This year, many great mysteries will be revealed to you. Struggling with a spiritual crisis? You will learn to find inner peace. Looking for a new significant relationship? You will develop your social skills, develop emotional intelligence and gain confidence when around other people. Want to prepare a better Italian cuisine? You will learn to hear bread. Hearing bread is possibly the most powerful power you can have, and all your friends will be jealous that you can hear bread and they can’t. But be warned: bread loves to tell lies, so don’t believe everything bread says.
Virgo, the Virgin: August 23rd- September 22nd
This is going to be a big year for you, Virgo. You’re going to have to do a lot of growing up, and you’ll have to make some pretty big decisions that are going to impact you for the rest of your life. Take time to really think before you make any big choices, but don’t be afraid to listen to your heart. This year could be the year to take a romantic relationship to the next level, especially around May. Just make sure your partner isn’t a lizard person wearing a human skin suit, because Virgos have a tendency to fall in love with lizard people in disguise. (I know this from personal experience.)
Libra, the Scale: September 23rd- October 22nd
Congratulations, Libra! This year, the stars have shown me many silver and shiny objects in your future. Perhaps you are in for a new car, some new cutlery or a velvet sack of doubloons; it could really be anything! Naturally, these bright and reflective objects will attract a whole manner of critters and creatures, so make sure you take the necessary safety precautions before swimming or venturing out into the wilderness. It would be a good idea for you to get outdoors at some point though. You could use a little sunshine.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: October 23rd- November 21st
Expect more money this year, Scorpio. Your hard work and dedication is about to pay off, either through a lucky scratch-off ticket, a promotion or raise at work or a family gift. You’ll be the family hero! But remember, wealth won’t come to you if you’re just sitting around, you have to seek it. Like the “Goonies” did. They went out in search of fortune and found it in a matter of hours on a lost pirate ship. The two older ones even got to make out. And Chuck got ice cream! That could be you, if you set your mind to it.
Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22nd- December 21st
You will wake up one morning and realize your whole life has been a dream. You are still only four years old. Have fun going through puberty again.
Capricorn, the Goat: December 22nd- January 19th
This a year of great possibility for you, dear Capricorn. Besides finding the courage to say “why not” and just go for it, you’ll find wild success when you follow your heart. You will achieve your wildest dreams this year, Capricorn. Like that dream you had when you had tentacles for legs and you had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses but the eye doctor was really your old high school chemistry teacher but with David Bowie’s face and then you couldn’t get glasses after all because your eyeballs kept falling out and rolling all over the floor but you can’t pick them up because your hands are made of shoelaces. That dream will come true.