Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
Venus smiles on you this month, Pisces. Love and happiness is in the air, and there might even be a surprise visit from a very special friend or lover right around your birthday. Get ready for some sparks to fly, literally. Your electromagnetic energy is seriously out of whack due to the way Venus is pulling on your cosmic energies, so expect to be experiencing an unbelievable number of static shocks, especially in your ears when you wear your headphones. (Those are the worst!) But don’t worry, all that electricity will make you especially attractive to balloons, and I cannot see a single downside to that.
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
The stars have sharpened your senses this month, Aries. Mars and Venus have aligned in just the right way, pulling on your cosmic energies and making you faster, stronger, more agile and just physically better overall. Now would be a good time for you to try some competitive sports or extreme body-building. As a side note, you should avoid Wyoming this month, Aries. The stars tell me a very hungry bear is on the lookout for you, which is rather unfortunate, considering they have also told me there is an old buried treasure with your name written all over it, hidden somewhere in the vast and awesome wilderness of Wyoming.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
Things have been going pretty well for you lately. You’ve managed to dress appropriately for the weather nearly every day, you’re eating relatively healthily and you even found some time to work out a couple days a week. Your friends are all getting along, and you’re starting to form some new relationships that could really be meaningful. But that’s not all that’s great about this month, Taurus. This month, the gravity of Pluto is pulling on you in a very special way. It’s given you the ability to fly! Unfortunately, due to the force of gravity on Earth, the only way you’ll be able to fly is if you jump from a height of exactly 2.156578 feet off the ground. So grab your measuring tape and get to soaring!
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
Had a bit of a sweet tooth lately, haven’t you, Gemini? Normally you’re not one for sugary snacks, but for whatever reason, you just can’t seem to say no to cookies, cake or candy. Beware, Gemini, for a terrible curse has been placed upon you. Jupiter, jealous of a recent stroke of luck you’ve had, has decided to punish you by attempting to slowly transform you into a pillar of sugar. The more sugar you eat, the faster you will change. It’s already begun, hasn’t it? Notice how people have been calling you a “sweetheart” or saying, “Why aren’t you sweet?” Don’t deny it any longer. Accept your fate. The only way you can keep from becoming a human sugar statue is to eat only red meat or green vegetables for three days. Unless you’re the president, in which case you must eat 40 bags of shredded cheese.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
You’ve been lusting for open water lately, Cancer, and Neptune has noticed. This month would be a good time for you to take a trip down to a lake or beach of some kind. Any kind of journey, really, will do your soul good this month. There is also a young and beautiful stranger in your future, so keep your eyes peeled. Do not literally peel your eyes, though. That will make you blind and would probably be extremely painful. Starting on the 10th, you will also temporarily gain the ability to communicate with sharks and rays, but only in Spanish.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
Make sure you stay focused this month, Leo. The stars tell me there are some serious work opportunities in your future, and you’ll want to be on top of your game if you want to be successful. Set aside distractions, put your priorities straight, write down your goals and keep your eyes on the prize. Also, try to avoid any sort of boating or sailing activities on the 18th. The stars tell me this is the day you will be most likely to become shipwrecked on a deserted island out of every other day of your entire life. After spending 16 years stranded on the island alone, you will be kidnapped by a notorious pirate called Captain Tootsie. You will fall in love with Captain Tootsie’s first mate, who will break your heart, and ultimately it’s just going to be a whole mess of drama you don’t need in your life. If you absolutely have to go sailing that day, you should plan accordingly.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sept. 22
You are very much one with Mother Earth this month, Virgo. Recently you’ve been in a rather romantic state of mind, and it’s really begun to lift your spirits. You’re suddenly inspired by everything around you, and there might be some real creative value in the work you’ve been doing lately. All of the world is attracted to you this month, Virgo, especially bugs. Yes, that’s right, bugs. In fact, bugs are so in love with you, they will follow you around all month. They’ll be in your bed when you’re sleeping, in your car while you drive and even on you as you sit on the couch, watching TV or talking with friends. There will never not be a bug on you this month, Virgo. You will always have a bug on you. Even in the shower.
Libra, the Scale: Sept. 23- Oct. 22
Nothing all that special is going to happen to you this month, Libra. Don’t expect any big production on Valentine’s Day or some crazy new spring break trip to suddenly become available to you. Work’s going to be pretty much the same, the TV shows you’ve been following are not really going to get exciting and nothing on the news will really shock you. The stars have indicated to me there is a 6 percent chance you might find some money you left in your coat pocket a year ago, but it probably won’t be more than, like, $3. Nope, February is going to be pretty average for you, Libra.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
Now is time for you to really focus on getting organized, Scorpio. The stars are positioned perfectly in alignment with Saturn, giving you a clear and focused mind and one heck of a determined streak. And there could be some serious payoff in your hard work. There are some big bucks in your future, dude. A mess you’ve been neglecting for quite some time, like the laundry piled up on your desk chair or the collection of plastic bottles you’re amassing in the backseat of your car, is hiding a secret treasure. The only way you can find it, however, is by cleaning. So get you a trash bag, some rubber gloves and some disinfecting wipes, and get to work.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Lately you’ve been feeling extra sensitive, Sag, and it’s getting you down. Suddenly, you and your roommates aren’t getting along, you’re having trouble staying focused on your work and you are unreasonably irritated by that “swishy” sound rain jackets make. Don’t worry – your bad mood isn’t all your fault; Mars has aligned perfectly with your aura and is yanking on your emotions. To level yourself out, take some time for you this weekend. Wash your hair and actually follow the instructions on the shampoo bottle for once. Floss. Stay hydrated. Don’t eat any cheese. Resist the urge to kill.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
Looks like your lucky star is out, Cap! The cosmos tell me there is some good work-related news in your future and a fat check in the mail. There’s also some extra sauce in your Chinese take-out, a hidden gem on Netflix all your friends will think you’re cool for stumbling upon and an unopened pack of ballpoint pens under the upper-left corner of your bed. The stars are smiling on you, so make sure you spread that love around so it can come back to you ten-fold. Don’t believe me? Next time you go through a drive-thru, buy the person behind you in line’s food. When you get home, you will have a new kitten.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
Something has been off about you lately, Aquarius. You find yourself contemplating it often, as you sip champagne from your crystalline glass, studying yourself with a casual amusement in front of your antique mirror. But no matter how long you gaze at your own ever-lasting beauty, you can’t quite put your finger on what irks you. The solution to your irritation lies outdoors. Get out and enjoy the crisp February air. Sunlight invigorates you and clears your mind of clutter and nonsense, allowing you to focus on the finer things in life. Go on a hike and stop beneath an old magnolia tree. Dig under where your left foot stops. You will find a golden nugget. You deserve it.