Roommate removal 101: A comprehensive guide

Posted on Sep 21 2017 - 7:58am by Akim Powell

“I’m sorry, the old roommate can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because he’s gone.”

Do you have a roommate who grinds your gears? We’ve all been there, and it’s an uncomfortable situation. Everything about him is a nuisance to your college experience. You’re just in time for “How To Get Rid Of Your Roommate 101.” By applying these steps, you’ll get one step closer to roommate heaven.

  1. Blast your music

Finding what music your roommate likes and dislikes is always a good first step. If he hates country, you now miraculously love country. Even if you’ve never stepped a toe below the Mason-Dixon Line before this year, it’s your favorite music genre. Buy a speaker and maximize the volume, preferably while he’s napping or studying. He’ll think twice next time before turning your life upside down.

  1. Keep the room a mess

Imagine you’re a shapeshifter. Now imagine you’ve become a pig. Leave your clothing and food everywhere. Even if your roommate is the dirtiest person ever, he’ll still hate it. Go to one of the fast food places and buy an extra large burger with plenty of onions. Be innovative — put the onions next to the air conditioning vent. If your roommate is wondering why the room smells like root vegetables sunbathing, tell him you’re unaware but will check up on it. Little does he know you’ve created an onion booby trap waiting to go in for the kill.

  1. Be emotional

Nobody likes an emotional rollercoaster for a roommate. Use this to your advantage. Find the simplest things to cry about. Turn your Meryl Streep on and win your Academy Award with this dramatic performance. If your roommate turns off the light without your permission, have a complete breakdown. Start crying, throwing objects and hyperventilating.  Make him think you’re always on the verge of a tantrum. This will cause him to walk on eggshells because he thinks you’re unstable and at any moment you could turn into Carrie at prom. He’ll eventually move out, and you can watch your classic Lifetime movies in peace.

  1. Talk his head off

It’s 11 p.m., and you just feel the need to vent about every inconvenience in your life. Tell your roommate every agonizing detail of when the dining hall ran out of macaroni and cheese right before you got there. Explain to him how horrible it was when your professor was just being the worst and wouldn’t let you make up the test you overslept for three weeks ago and just now got around to asking him about. You’ll see your roommate’s sanity start to crack with every story you tell.

  1. Talk on speakerphone every day

You’re not a good texter, so FaceTime is your best friend. Call your mom, sister or orthodontist on speakerphone. Talk for hours and laugh at the smallest things, like that time he splashed water on your arm or dropped your retainer on your face. The motive is to annoy your roommate to the point where he can’t take it anymore and leaves the room. Pick the perfect moment to get a call. Schedule them with your friends when he’s studying for midterms or watching his favorite TV show. My roommate used to tell me he thought it would be beneficial for me to “invest in headphones.” I declined the request and proceeded to laugh hysterically on the phone.  

This is not a malicious article. These tools are beneficial for both sides. You no longer have to deal with his negative energy, and he no longer has to deal with a psychopathic, emotional, disgusting roommate. You can’t go wrong if you follow my rules and finally get your roommate out. I will be accepting checks and debit card payments. Good luck and good riddance to your roommate.