A common entertainment trope of a distraught lover entrapped by a manipulative, abusive partner. Characters become imprisoned in relationships, whether it be in pursuit of an image or status. In these films, plays or shows, it’s easy to label that behavior, for example, Ike in “What’s love got to do with it.” That is textbook physical abuse. Fiona’s mistreatment and unwanted arranged marriage in “Shrek” is a sad case that we can distinguish from reality — a fairy tale. Abuse is rarely this distinct in practice, though.
Anybody is capable of being an abuser, of leveraging an intimate relationship over a partner, of being intentionally harmful. It doesn’t take a special evil to be a manipulator. There’s probably at least one manipulator in everybody’s life. That’s the issue. Behavior like this is too common. The commonality makes it hard for those on the outside looking in to make attributions. So, sometimes the burden of confession is thrust upon the victim. Ultimately, concern about manipulative behavior is correlated with level of relationship.
Honesty and confession are terribly difficult in these instances. That awful feeling of waste and wrongdoing after what should have been a productive interaction is not a part of normal relationships. A sequence of strong, loving feelings quickly followed by dejected, dismissive stonewalling is not healthy.
The list of manipulative, abusive behavior is extensive, so here’s my road map (I’m no dating expert): if it feels wrong, take a step back and think “is this a recurring event?” Think of the context, and try to see it from their lens. Most importantly, recall how you feel in these moments, how you expressed that and how they reacted. From there, make a decision. Abuse is often enabled through cyclical behavior that makes it difficult for a partner to leave.
How do you look out for abuse? As I said, it can be hard to tell this from that. We must understand why people end up in abusive situations, too. It’s nobody’s intention to get hurt, I hope. True colors aren’t shown until the sun stops shining. I mean, ignorance is bliss. Once partners realize they are being exploited, it’s often too late. An emotional attachment has already been formed, and the necessary separation will not be easy.
As friends, it’s our role to be a shoulder to lean on. It’s a hard position to be in, though. In violent cases, friends are forced to intervene and protect their people. How about friends who are “in too deep?” It’s not too often we see it at this age, but as we grow older it’s fairly common to see victims stick around abusers in exchange for a lifestyle. That might be an entirely separate can of worms. Or maybe not? Dependency is a trademark of abuse, no matter the age. Dependency is probably why familial abuse happens so frequently. A lot of young people have nowhere to go and have only ever known to count on mom and dad (or brother and sister, auntie and uncle, etc.), people they have dealt with their entire existence.
Look out for those around you and know the signs. There are resources on campus like Violence Intervention and Support and RASA that advocate and support against domestic abuse.
Justice Rose is the opinion editor. He is a sophomore majoring in journalism from Madison, Miss.
