No. 2 Georgia versus No. 9 Ole Miss (Hal Fox)
Final Score Prediction: Ole Miss 22, Georgia 21
I’ve played enough Retro Bowl to know a thing or two about football.
With both the Rebels and Bulldogs bored of spending the season repeatedly dunking on unranked or washed-up programs like Mercer, Vanderbilt and LSU, it’s finally time to play real football this Saturday in Sanford Stadium, which is in ancient Greece or something.
The bout will put the question on everyone’s mind to rest: Which team actually sucks, for realsies?
Let’s take a hard look at the facts. For too long now, unethical dog breeders have perpetuated the breeding of breathing-impaired dogs like French and American bulldogs, pugs and Shih Tzus. These piteous canines are incapable of taking deep, sustained breaths as their nasal passageways are too narrow.
That being said, their documented prowess at fetch and penchant for leaping several feet into the air to catch frisbees with their mouths will prove to be a boon for the Bulldogs on Saturday.
Even if I think we’re gonna lose, I can’t just say that, right?
No. 10 Penn State versus No. 3 Michigan (Zachary Spooner)
Final Score Prediction: Penn State 0, Michigan 007
Everyone already knows the outcome of this game. Michigan already knows all of Penn State’s signals. The only question is whether Penn State will be able to change some of them before the game. Even without that, Penn State does not have much of chance at winning. The Nittany Lions are always the third best team in the Big Ten, and I do not see that changing anytime soon.
No. 5 Washington versus No. 13 Utah (Clay Hale)
Final Score Prediction: Washington 53, Utah 3
Denial is a river in Utah if the Utes think they can beat the force that is the Washington Huskies. The only pro that Utah has going for them is that they are ranked Taylor Swift’s lucky number — 13. (It’s worth noting that Washington is ranked No. 5, which is eight spots higher than No. 13.) Other than that, they don’t have much going for them. In summary, Utah is looking to massively flop this weekend, to no one’s surprise, I’m sure. I don’t even see them making a touchdown, leaving them at a pathetic three points. Washington will outsell, for sure, adding at least 50 points to Utah’s flop score.
University of Southern California versus No. 6 Oregon (Violet Jira)
Final Score Prediction: USC 0, Oregon 1
Heisman dark horse and Ole Miss Football star quarterback Jaxon Dart made the treacherous trek from the University of Southern California in Los Angeles to the much better, much nicer town of Oxford in 2021. While I don’t know much about the USC football team, I can’t imagine they have been faring well in the years since this devastating loss. I mean, it’s basically like when the Atlanta Falcons lost Brett Farve and he went on to win three Super Bowls with another team.
So, let’s take stock — they are unranked nationally, they are playing the best team in their conference and they don’t have Jaxon Dart. The odds were never in their favor. Oregon by at least 1.
