1. You awaken to a bright light flashing across your face and an alarm wailing in your ear. You leap out of bed, ready to attack. The room is empty. The blinds have fallen off your window — again — and you forgot to turn off your alarm before you fell asleep. It was just a dream. You look at your phone. Your mother texted you: “Hey, are you awake?” “We just got on the road.” “Can’t wait to see you, sweetie!”
IF YOU IGNORE THE TEXTS: GO TO 2
IF YOU REPLY: GO TO 4
2. You sigh loudly and put your phone in your pocket. She always texts you at the worst times. You go to the kitchen and begin cooking breakfast. You hear the faint sound of a police siren approaching. There’s a knock at the door. A battering ram blasts through the cheap pine as a dozen officers run into your apartment. Because of your inability to respond to your mother’s texts, she assumed you were murdered in cold blood in your kitchen. The officers, seeing you in the kitchen with a knife, assume you are the murderer. Unfortunately, you piece this all together as you are tackled to the ground by the boys in blue. Guess you won’t be going to the game after all. Why did you not just text her back? THE END.
3. You muster up the courage and begin walking aggressively toward the group of tourists. With all the strength you have, you start pushing past them, fighting their claws, fanny packs and drinks that are just a little TOO full and overflow out of the cup every time someone bumps into them. You’re now covered in beer and sauces of various colors and smells, but at least you made it out. In the distance, you can see Vaught-Hemingway, and you know you only have a little time left to get to your seat.
IF YOU TAKE THE WALK OF CHAMPIONS: GO TO 7
IF YOU TAKE THE EASTERN ROUTE: GO TO 8
4. You send her a short reply: “Yes, I’m alive.” Now you have to find something to wear. The weather said it would be sunny and 75, but since this is Mississippi, it could be anywhere from 50 to 95 degrees at any given time. You put on your favorite cute outfit and head out to tailgate.
GO TO 6
5. You look to your left and see a crumpled Hawaiian shirt on a lawn chair. You quickly put it on, making sure to leave an uncomfortable number of buttons undone. You jump to your feet and start walking toward the group of tourists, who all appear to be middle-aged and don’t seem to have a tent or friends. They give you confused glances at first, but in your best drunken impression, you start the Hotty Toddy chant and begin taking chicken wings from a random tailgating family’s buffet table, so the group accepts you as one of its own. You may have lost your soul and may be eternally bound to these wandering freeloaders, but that’s better than being on their bad side. This might not be such a bad deal after all. THE END.
6. You get to the Grove and immediately regret your decision. You feel a trickle of sweat run down your back as you check the weather again. How is it 96 degrees? It was literally cold enough for a parka yesterday. You look down to see that your designer shoes have been covered in some otherworldly mixture of mud, beer and … barbecue sauce? You frantically try to save them from destruction, but while you’re wiping them off, you’re approached by a pack of ravenous, deranged tourists — the most dangerous natural predator to the college student on game day.
IF YOU TRY TO ESCAPE: GO TO 3
IF YOU TRY TO BLEND IN WITH THEM: GO TO 5
7. You decide to take the Walk of Champions, but within moments, you feel a rumbling under your feet. Is that … an earthquake? A stampede? You turn around, ready to meet your fate. What lies in front of you is the most terrifying sight you have ever seen. It stands at 6-foot-7, weighing in at 325 pounds, with more muscles than Arnold Schwartzenegger himself. You can barely contain your fear. The Grove squirrel, genetically altered from years of eating discarded pizza crusts and lapping up puddles of sugary beverages, has raised itself up on its hind legs, teeth bared.
GO TO 10
8. You take the eastern route around the back of the stadium, and you can already feel the excitement buzzing. You hand your ticket to the security guard, get your clear bag checked and head into the stadium. You can hear the “Hallelujah” chorus softly echoing through the halls as you make your triumphal entry.
IF YOU GET IN LINE FOR CONCESSIONS: GO TO 9
IF YOU GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR SEAT: GO TO 11
9. There are zero people in line as you head to the concession stand, but 36 people somehow get in line in front of you before you make it there. But that’s OK. There are still 30 minutes until the game starts. What could go wrong?
GO TO 12
10. You frantically look around for a weapon of some sort to defend yourself, but you immediately remember that weapons of any kind are forbidden on university grounds and in the stadium. While inconvenient in this instance, you admire the administration for always seeking to create a safe environment for enjoying the game day festivities. However, while you were thinking these things, the Grove squirrel was preparing to attack. With a swift blow to your face, you’re knocked unconscious. You wake up in the hospital, surrounded by an anxious-looking mother and disappointed father. You try to explain what happened, but how could they believe you? Your father tells you, “You should learn to pace yourself” and “I thought we taught you better than this.” You missed the game AND disappointed your parents, but now you’ll think twice before feeding the Grove squirrels, and maybe you’ll do a better job cleaning up after you tailgate. THE END.
11. You go to your gate, squinting as the sun shines in your eyes and the field comes into view. You made it. Your seat is waiting. You think back on the adventures you’ve been through today. The game is about to start. Are you ready? After a day like this, you feel more ready than ever. THE END.
12. You finally make it to the front. It’s $23.50 for a pretzel. “What a deal,” you think. You’re overcome with joy — until you turn around and see that the entire stadium is empty. You look at your watch. It’s 10:45 p.m. How is this possible? Your desire for unhealthy snacks has finally backfired on you — but not with high blood pressure and weight gain, like your silly doctor said it would. You have missed the entire game. Oh well. At least you have a delicious pretzel to make up for it. You take a bite. It’s stale. THE END.
